An Article About Jim Byrne's Couples Therapy Work

2009-01-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

INTRODCUTION

The following article, by Monica Cafferky, appeared in the women’s magazine entitled ‘Spirit & Destiny’, in May 2004. It describes a couple who had a problem, and went to see Jim Byrne for counselling/therapy help. Here is the text of the article, in full:

THE LOVE CLINIC
Jane wants to free up money by selling her home and moving into a cheaper property. But her husband Neil refuses to up sticks. Could Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy help them find a solution?

“I WANT TO MOVE HOUSE BUT MY HUSBAND REFUSES”
THE PROBLEM

Jane, 40, a hairdresser, and her husband Neil, 43, a freelance photographer, have been married for 20 years and live in a converted barn in Lancashire. The property’s value has rocketed since they bought it 19 years ago. Jane wants to buy a smaller house in Scotland and use the profit to set up a new property development business but Neil wants to stay put.

Jane: ‘We bought the barn when it was a wreck. It cost £12,000 and is now worth about £330,000. If we move somewhere cheaper we would have enough money in the bank to have a go at property developing. At the moment, we’re broke. Neil’s work isn’t very lucrative, and I’m tired of arguing about cash. I think we’re heading for a divorce.’

Neil: ‘I resent Jane for pushing me into making a quick decision about our future. I don’t want to move. I like the rural location and my job, even though I don’t earn much. There’s also the issue of caring for my elderly mum, who lives nearby. We need to sort it out, or it could mean divorce.’

THE THERAPY Jane and Neil saw a Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) therapist, Jim Byrne, at his clinic in Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire. They had 60-minute sessions once a fortnight for four months. We caught up with them several months after their REBT sessions.

JIM: ‘During our first session, Jane was very angry at Neil for thwarting her plan to sell up, whereas Neil was determined to show me his partner was the real culprit in the drama. Over the next four months, I taught them various ways of talking to each other. The first idea we explored was that if you love your partner, you'd better stop seeing them as making incorrect choices. Judging your partner as wrong (as a whole person) means when their behaviour doesn’t line up with your wishes, you condemn them as a person.

‘My other advice to Neil and Jane was not to argue over positions such as, “I want to stay here”, versus, “I want to move”. But rather to ask each other, “*Why* do you want that?” They must then ask, “Why is *that* important to you?” and keep going until they arrive at some core values. Then they can come up with compatible solutions.

‘It emerged that the reason Neil didn’t want to move was because of his dying mother. Jane then accepted that she couldn’t condemn her husband’s reason for not wanting to sell. She vowed to support Neil and accept him as he was, and make the most of their relationship. Neil vowed to review his resistance to selling up by thinking over Jane’s plan to drop his ailing business and try property development.’

VERDICT

JANE: ‘I can now see that I don’t dislike everything about Neil, only his reluctance to sell the barn. When I discovered the real reason why Neil didn’t want to move, it helped me understand his position.

‘Neil’s mum even came to live with us for eight months and it was fine. She passed away three months ago. We then sold the barn for £360,000 and bought a cottage in Scotland. I’m looking forward to spending some free time together and then we’re going to go into property development. I’m very happy that everything’s worked out.’

NEIL: ‘I’m cynical about therapy but Jim’s approach was very rational. Being honest about my mum was good. We’d avoided talking about the issue for years as it always ended in an argument. With the help of REBT, Jane was able to recognise my reasons for not wanting to move and that Mum moving in with us was just a short- term situation.

‘Our REBT sessions have meant we both have a new perspective on problems. We can deal with anything and we’re moving forward as a couple again.'

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To find out more, see Jim Byrne's Homepage

Or the Couples Therapy page.

Or email Jim Byrne at ABC Coaching.

Or phone me on:

44 1422 847 882 (from outside the UK); or:

01422 847 882 (from inside the UK).

COUPLES THERAPY - A TESTIMONIAL

An Article About Jim Byrne's Couples Therapy Work